The Carnivore Conundrum

We couldn’t help ourselves. We found an online carnivore forum and we walked right in. Tempted as we were to leave comments like “beetroot, tho” and “I’m eating a pear right now”, instead we sneaked in, took some screenshots and sneaked out again, leaving no trace. Like ninjas of the vegan world.

On wading through the deluge of comments lamenting kidney pain, blood in urine, scurvy, blurred vision and prostate troubles, our first question was why? Why would anyone eat like this? It’s not as if the food looks tasty, although the community seems to have swallowed a collective pill that makes them all think that greasy-brown and burnt-brown are two delicious variations on the gold standard, which is, of course, not gold but brown.

We admit we were tempted to troll them with pictures of beautiful vibrant salads, freshly baked loaves, and stacked VFC burgers, bursting with flavour, but we were there to learn, and so we were delighted when we came across this handy guide, which answered our big question: why?

First, they tell us, it’s a simpler way of eating. Yes, that would be true. You just eat meat for every meal, every day. There is no additional work required dreaming up things to do with those thousands of vegetables, fruits, beans, grains, herbs and spices. You just eat meat. Some people go as far as to add salt. For flavour.

As for that celebration of weight loss, from the number of comments about explosive diarrhoea, we can well imagine how that occurs. Call us old-fashioned but isn’t eating more grains and vegetables preferable to sh*tting yourself thinner?

They should launch a range of t-shirts with *I’m scared the diarrhoea won’t stop* on them. They’d make a killing. But even after such extreme measures, weight loss still isn’t inevitable…

Those not losing the contents of their bowels every hour of the day appear to be at the other end of the rectum spectrum and haven’t pooped for a week. They’re not exactly worried, they say, but they just wonder when the backlog of rotting flesh might make an appearance. Day 8 seems particularly tricky…

Claim 3, that eating only meat is better for heart health is just plain peculiar, given the wealth of evidence to the contrary. I guess the University of Oxford should check in with the real experts on this issue. I mean, those carnivore hearts do seem just dandy.

We were equally intrigued by the claim of lower inflammation because Harvard is very clear on this: red meat is on the red list, whereas vegetables are anti-inflammatory. But once again, what do they know?

Claim five of higher testosterone is surely one that wins many people to this WOE (way of eating, for those not in the know). Let’s hope that’s not true. The less people like this chap breed, the safer I think we will all feel. I mean, WHAT ON EARTH COULD HE TRY?


And if eating only meat improves their digestion, we can’t help wondering how bad their diets were before. What were they eating? Gravel? Botulism?

But on a positive note, isn’t it lovely that so many people say they find mental clarity when they become carnivore? All those people thinking really clearly…

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