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I will never eat vegan food

Put that bag of crisps down and raise your hands in the air. We jest of course. You also need to put down every fruit, vegetable, herb, spice, bean, nut, seed, grain, and all the things made from them. That’s right, no bread, breakfast cereal, peanut butter, jam, coffee or tea to start your day, my friend. And it sounds like your hard-and-fast rule also excludes foods that contain vegan items, so that would pretty much rule out everything else. Also, no water. Obviously.

Your vow to boycott all vegan foods leaves you only with unflavoured meat, eggs and milk. It doesn’t sound much but you could also have offal, blood and bones, so there would at least be a variety of ways for you to achieve heart failure.

Or are you also ruling out meat from animals, like cows and sheep, who only ate vegan foods? We’d hate for you to accidentally consume these vegan foods indirectly. It turns out this is a right old minefield and I’d be surprised if ‘billions’ of people agreed with you. I’m a little surprised that even you agree with you.

We have to say, though, that much as we admire a man with principles, we still find it intriguing that ethical boundaries can be drawn in such vastly different places. For example, we choose tasty foods that don’t cause suffering to animals, don’t drive climate breakdown and environmental degradation, and don’t incubate the next pandemic or create antibiotic-resistant superbugs. For you, the principle seems to rest in not eating the foods that will keep you alive. There’s now’t so queer as folk, as my grandmother used to say.

But good for you, Derry. Never change. Enjoy your gizzards.

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