Dear Trading Standards,
As an upstanding member of society, I feel it is my civic duty to draw your attention to a frankly dangerous company called VFC that claims to be making “vegan fried chick*n”. I have contacted them multiple times to alert them to the fact that they cannot call it vegan chickn because it isn’t chicken, but all they have done is belittle my intellect, question my scientific credentials and invite their followers to mock me.
As someone who eats food, and has read two online articles and a pamphlet, I know when a company is misleading its customers. There is no way that the average person in the street would know that Vegan Fried Chick*n is vegan. They give no clue whatsoever.
Many people other than myself have tried to reason with them. Wayne from Sudbury told them It’s not fookin’ chicken, mate. Des from Braintree said Its fried plant you numptee, no checkn in it innit, while Malcolm from Widnes could not have been more clear when he wrote your all idyots fake cuz it snot chikchen.
This company of charlatans can’t, therefore, say that they haven’t received plenty of well-considered, independent advice but, with our efforts snubbed, I am now handing the investigation over to you. I trust you will close them down and lock up the perpetrators. VFC is a menace to society.
For my part, I would never risk putting something so misleading into my mouth, and will stick to eating hot dogs, buffalo wings, toad in the hole and spotted dick. You know where you are with a spotted dick.
Yours in earnest,